Hey Sugar . . Take A Walk On The Mild Side

Firstly can I say a big thank you to ALL readers whether human or robotic - like Bruce's Online Darkroom plateau of ONE MILLION PAGE HITS, so too have I hit somewhat of a landmark.

It's been hard at times writing FB - this computer is creaking at the seams and I am in definite need of an upgrade . . which might possibly happen this year - watch this space . . .

Anyway, gone are the early days where I bared my all and talked long and slow about everything that concerned me - FB has since turned into an occasional where I get to expound on all sorts of schiite (albeit mostly photographic schiite) for you my lovely readers . . .

When I were but a lad, new to t'game, just typing "Fogblog" into Google got you several pages of blogs about weather, birds, fog and Cartesian Dualism and all sorts.

I was on about Page 3 of Google results which was a little disheartening to a young whipper-snapper to say t'least . . . caps were dragged off heads and wrung dry, clogs were chucked at t'monitors and a right ol' palaver went on with the gnashing of teeth and the wailing of women

However now?

Well go on . .click on this link here

OH YES, Number 1 in the charts, which to me is a sort of little victory as I have always been a bit of a Number Two in a lot of people's eyes! 

So, much happiness, and much gratitititititude is being sent out to yourselves - thank you.

Well, you've dotted the T's and crossed the I's . . (or something like that) on another year of Christmas excess - you've split your trousers, burst your shirt, beaten your Granny, drunk your cabinet dry and generally behaved so hedonistically that you're now sat in your chair in your pants like one of 2000AD's Mega City Fatties (oh how prescient that cartoon truly was) . . .

    

 . . . well, not quite maybe, but in truth even though I only had one helping of Christmas lunch and one-and-a-half of pudding, I still feel like he looks . . . . eating to excess is I often think really bad for your soul. You enjoy it, but end up feeling so crap that you wish you hadn't.

Anyway, the title of this Blog is a stupid interpretation of what good mate Bruce said that he liked about my colour stuff - apparently it is subtle.
That pleases me - garishness is something I try and totally avoid - subtlety in colour reached a zenith and has since sort of dropped away - my ideal of colour is entirely down to the Kodachrome/Ektachrome look of the 1960's and 70's.
That is my idea of colour.
This is a slide of my father-in-law (in Durham) circa 1972 - the colour is wonderfully understated and naturalistic.

And here's an even earlier one from the late 1960's.

Youch - that's a sharp as a knife isn't it!

It was taken with an Agfa Sillette- a zone-focus camera with a wonderful lens. 

They're both Kodachrome Transparencies, processed by Kodak.

Those wonderful old cardboard mounts have the date printed on them too, just to keep you right on your memories! So for the former it's July 1972 and the latter is April 1969.

I find it truly remarkable that these slides (OK they have been carefully looked after and stored properly) still display a naturalistic colour that is all but missing from today's photography. I guess there's a program to replicate the look out there, but it couldn't replicate the patina on the cardboard mount or the date or the signs of careful handling over the passing decades . . 

Oh how much we have lost.

Anyway, that look and the inspirational work of Ernst Haas, and to an extent Elliott Porter and Stephen Shore are what drive my colour aspirations . . . that and just general Sheephousian Weirdness.

Subtle is what Bruce said.

See what you think.

There's nothing trick about these - they're JPGs straight outta the camera.
Canon AWB was on.
EI's were 200 and 800 and most everything was manual. I underexposed by a half to one stop on most of them, just so everything wasn't Auto 'Dayglo' Exposure . . you know the sort of thing, where everything is correct and nothing looks right!

And that's about it - camera was the EOS 50D and the lens was the v.cheap 40mm Canon prime pancake.
I like what it is doing, in fact it is this naturalness of colour and slightly muted feel that drew me to a Canon DSLR in the first place.
Now all I need to do is get the bloody things printed!

Well, that's enough o' me guff - you've got to get yourself ready for the intense binge-athon that is Hogmanay . . .oh yes, no matter where you are reading! (Gawd I can still taste Highland Park whisky, 3 years after a Hogmanay wheat beer and three [LARGE] triples excess).
Hoots mon - see you on the other side.

The Complication Blues

Readers of a tender nature should look away now, or scroll through all the writing to look at the pictures, because, as is my right as a middle-aged man, I am about to go off on one.
Other readers of the same age, should kick off their shoes and celebrate with me, because © The Seventies Stoneage Revolution starts here.
I've had enough of modernity (just about) and would prefer a return to the days of switches, knobs and LEDs that let you know exactly what is happening as it happens . . think Nikon F2 metering and you'll know exactly what I mean . . . it seems strange to say it, but THE SEVENTIES looks like a golden age from the mess of modern times . . .

But anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah . . The Complication Blues - makes a great title for a song doesn't it, and as far as I am aware, there hasn't actually been a song called that before, except in my head . . 

Y'see back in ye olde guitar-picker days, I did actually write a song called that . . we're talking about 1978 - guitar was my old (and still lovely) Epiphone FT150 . . a Japanese Epiphone made under licence to Gibson by the Ibanez factory in Japan sometime in around the mid-70's (though having just read that, can you see the roots of over-complication?).
£120 was what it cost me in 1977 - I had saved like crazy from my milk round, and buying it was one of the most exciting things I had ever done! 

You see things were relatively uncomplicated back then (well apart from leaving the cosy familiarity of school, then O'Level results from Hell, change of school etc etc, but in general terms . . ) 

You wanted something back then and you had a few options.
Namely:

Ask your parents (mine had very little money having spent it on a top-notch (sic) private education for me).

Get it on tick (well, I was under 18 so that was a no go)

or

Save for it.

I still give thanks for my Dad's encouragement to me, stomping off to Northolt Post Office with about 30 tons of thre'penny bits and old pennies dragging my cordouroys groundward to pay them into my PO Savings account.

Saving is a very under-rated thing isn't it?

It's all too easy nowadays.

You see something.

You want it.

You buy it.

That's it.

Anticipation gone.

I am as guilty as anyone (as you can no doubt tell from the amount of cameras that have been bought in recent years) and I'm not sure if I like it.

Anyway, that's a tale for another day, because looking back at those times (when the most complicated thing a teenager could dream of owning was probably one of those new-fangled computer kit thingies they were starting to use in America [I knew no-one that owned one] or one of those models of a Nuclear Sub that always used to get advertised in Marvel Comics) the most complicated thing I owned was a Polaroid camera, and even then I hardly used it, so second down the list of most complicated things I owned, was an electric guitar (Vox Clubman II) - again a product of saving, costing the grand sum of £20 in 1974, and it was shite apart from the pickups . . and then I suppose third down the list was my Mum and Dad's giant Stereogram upon which I did the majority of my record listening . . . 

Get on with it man - what are you trying to say???

OK - I recently bought a phone.

Big deal you say, well yes, considering the last phone we bought was about 8 years ago and a Nokia soap bar (which still works - does the job and that's that).

It's an Android device, a Motorola and a very nice little unit, but get this - it took me about 6 hours to set it up and I still hadn't made a call with it! Why? because everything is totally and completely and unecessarily COMPLICATED!

Everything has an option, opt in, opt out, accept cookies, share data, turn this on, turn this off, monitor this and that . . even buying a simple Sim card you would think would be easy, but no. 

No way Daddio! 

The phone takes a Micro-Sim - easy enough you might think, except that it states in the literature DO NOT USE A NANO CARD WITH ADAPTERS. 

OK - well, me being me, I think they wouldn't just say that, and I read around and it seemed like a number of people have caused damage using adapters, so I had to get a Micro-Sim . . .except, yep you guessed it, most are Nano-Sims. 

Now the lad in the shop I went to was very nice and accommodating but I could see him getting quite agitated when I said that a Nano was no good and I had to use a Micro. He'd not heard anything about that and had sold tons of them. 

Well I said to him, it clearly states it in the literature with the phone! 

But he'd still not heard of it . . anyway, eventually, I got a 3-in-1 Sim which is a normal sized one pre-stamped in three sizes . . and eventually I got that fitted. 

Then I tried to use the phone. 

OK - nothing doing, turns out I had to register online and then use the code on the voucher he had given me (which he didn't tell me) . . so, I switched on The Sheephouse Maschine and got to their site, registered, entered voucher code, and got a text saying I was topped up. 

So that was something. 

Then I had a look at their roaming rates. 

OK, so I was now on the wrong plan - their roaming plan covers a number of countries but not the one I was going to. 

Brilliant. Fecking brilliant. 

So, I switched off roaming on the phone and decided feck 'em I'll do it Wi-Fi and messaging that way . . hmmmm Google Hangouts looks good, and I knew a few people using Skype. 

OK, so I got those done . . more registration, more passwords, more levels of security, more stuff to remember . .

And I still hadn't made a call, because I had been led up an ever-narrowing path of complication to register other stuff which took time and which always threw further spanners into an already complicated works.

Is it just me?

Does everyone find technology a snap?

Or, is it, rather as I am beginning to suspect, that the world in totally uneccessarily complicated and ever-greater levels of complication await us?

You remember the kids at school that were into this sort of stuff?
Well they are in charge of our world now.
Now I don't know about you, but I was always a book and a cup of Ovaltine sort of person . . electronics had no interest for me, neither had much in the way of science apart from Biology. 

Maths? . . no, er, definitely not. 

At school, the kids that loved complication and science and maths were tempered by the nutters like me who added a banana skin to their flights of fancy, but in their positions of power now - who is there to trip them? Who brings them down to earth?
I saw this at Virgin Retail back in the 1980's early '90's - the fun was gone, records were 'units' and all that counted was The Sale. Seemingly overnight, accountants had turned an organic, wonderful organisation into a money-hungry machine where staff were mere chattels, and it's happening today, but even worse. The NY Times revelatory piece on Amazon Management is shocking in its exposé of these Digital Plantation Owners. You can read it here.

But anyway, that's one of those asides - back to the phone!
I'm not a total neanderthal despite what you may think - I can be super-complicated, but my complication comes from the complications of an arty-based brain - I'll think a lot on different levels about things and let my spirit run free on all sorts of fancies, but I suppose that is too flighty and too damn OLDEN for the data-driven, hard-bitten world we live in.

And where does that get me?

Oh yeah . . . 6 hours in and no calls.

Oh yes I could use Google Translate to speak "My Brain Hurts" or "My Hovercraft Is Full Of Eels" in the language of my choice. I could download maps from all over the world. I could do pretty much anything I could imagine using a phone for all at the drop of an option!

But was it the right option? Was there something else lying hidden in a sub-menu that I hadn't done, or could be doing to further enahnce my experience? There's no doubt about it - Option Anxiety strides the earth beating everyone down with a cudgel if they don't pick the right thing.

So how the feck did we get in this state?

Why is everything like 'Tales From Topographic Oceans' by Yes when in reality it should be 'Iron Fist' by Motörhead?

All I wanted at the end of the day was something simple.
Something with a basic Yes/No thing that was easy to use . . 

Maybe a bit of a screen for this and that and a microphone for actually talking to people and a speaker for listening to people . . . and that's about it, the simpler the better.

But oh no, what I got at the end of the day was a portable Enigma Machine and a guy in a shop, the same age as my son, telling me that Nano Sims are fine with adapters and that I can use my new plan abroad but only in countries my new provider deals with, and all phone usage outwith those countries was covered by the more expensive roaming charges, but he couldn't tell me what they were . . . do you see what I mean. Nothing is simple.

Anyway, I suppose that's enough moaning man - evolve or die. 

Oh . . . OK.
All the same, something with a nice clicky switch on it, or a knob, or something you could hit . .

Yeah, something you can hit - that would be good . . .

***

(P)Sheephouse Postscript

Well, we've been, and got back and me and Ali had a marvellous time.
The phone sort of worked with no dramas apart from having to log-in to the hotel WiFi every 24 hours  . . . and we sort of got reception in most bits of the City some of the time . . . but it wasn't as easy as inserting coins into a phonebox and calling Whitehall 210, oh no . . .
So, anway, ramble nearly done - in keeping with Un-Complication, here's some snaps.

All were made with the unecessarily complicated Canon EOS 50D, but with all the complication switched off.

EI was 200.
Camera was set (a la Bruce's recommendation) to Aperture Priority.
Lens was the marvellous 40mm EF and strangely for me, largely used in autofocus mode except where it was telling me I wasn't focusing on the right thing . . . och don't be daft machine . . . .
There's no post-processing whatsoever -  these are the JPGs straight from the lion's den.
Obviously I shot highest quality RAW and JPG too so I can tinker if I wish.
Yeah there's a bit of camera shake, but this wasn't a photographic expedition and I was snapping on the hoof, and I didn't want to pee on our chips as it were . . we were having a wonderful time.
The EOS was a dream to use - battery lasted for ages.
Of course I could have done all this with real film, but tbh the thought of being strip-searched and all my lovely negatives being exposed to light by some over-zealous airport security guard was a bit beyond the pale . . .
So didgy it is and you know what - I am very happy with the results - now all I have to do is make them REAL, by printing them!

TTFN - and remember, when the chips are down, you've dropped yer kerry-oot!

Freak Out! . . . It's The Technicolor Sheephouse

Morning Folks.

Y'know, for some years I have had a hankering to explore the world of colour photography (by the way, in some weirdly synchronised thinking, this is rather similar to me old chum Bruce's post about colour . . .  again, no collusion, just entirely independent thinking!) 

Anyway, I've got the books, got the cameras, shot the practice films (6! all undeveloped) bought a C41 kit, and yet, I am still not there. 

Now there is a very long and daft excuse for this . . . 

So if you've got a mo, sit down and have a read . . . 

Many years back, when me and Ali found ourselves in the position of two wee Church Mice with a large mortgage on an unloved Victorian divided house, a small child to deal with and not a huge amount of money to spare every month, we both felt it would help us if I fitted a new kitchen with a budget one from B&Q - it had to be better than the old kitchen from the previous owner which had been a badly hatched plan of home-made non-joiner joinery and pine cladding - it was, to say the least, VERY brown and not a bit greasy. So, suitably bouyed-up to sort ourselves out (we both love cooking - it had to be done) we purchased a bunch of budget units from B&Q and, because they were being promoted as 'just the thing' at the time, a plastic sink. 

Oh you might think a:

® Corian! 

Nope - no such luck . . 

In typical Sheephouse fashion it's a:

® It'll Do Till We Get Something Better!

Well I do it a disservice actually - it has put up with years of HC110 and Rodinal being dumped into it without too much staining (Bar Keepers Friend helps!). 

But now I find myself with the thought of all those super-corrosive and super-staining colour chemicals being put into it . . . could we accept a permanently stained sink? 

Yeah, that's what I thought, so, until I can work my way round this and discretion being the better part of valour, the film stays in the fridge . . .

Anyway, to cut a long story short, you'll remember that I have officially sold out? 

I can't get rid of the people with placards from my front garden and the hate-mail has been particularly upsetting, but anyway, what do I care? 

I'm a digital warrior now, all that useless silver-based stuff . . pah! 

That's for Grandads innit! 

Nah, I'm cresting a new horizon to a land where all is golden and bright and everyone wears white suits, just like The Eloy in The Time Machine! 

Oh yes, none of that nassssty, wet stuff for me now, nope, it's didgey all the way.

Well, not really, but for colour and at the moment, it is 'convenient' and 'handy' as well as sparing the sink . . got to remember that sink.

So, here goes - a very basic initial exploration into The Wonderful Wurld Of Color, courtesy of a certain Mr. H.Sheephouse Esq, B.A (A.R.S.E.).

But why so few? you ask.

Well, because I've spent the WHOLE of August refurbing a very nice but very enormous (10 feet tall! 4 and a half feet off the ground!!) Victorian Bay sash window (and it is still ongoing) . . I must be the only person in my City using 'hairy' Lime Putty at the moment and LimeWash too - I have immersed myself deep into the wonderful world of Lime mortars - it's not been easy, but man is it nicer than cement. 

I've also come away with the knowledge that Victorian craftsmen were real artisans - so much so that I am in awe of them.

That, as they say, is my excuse and I am sticking to it . . . 

Anyway, on with the 'modern' shite:

Dull Morning 1

Dull Morning 2

Dull Morning 3

Dull Morning 4

As you can see from the above, my fondness for Ernst Haas and Elliot Porter and Stephen Shore has come through, though please excuse the 'loose' framing - not enough attention paid to the viewfinder in the haste of desparately trying to take something to shove in t'Blog . . .

You know, I love the muted tones of old colour films - it stomps all over HDR and all that hyper-colourised stuff that people think is an accurate take on the world . . maybe it is in places with more sunshine, however here in Scotland muted is IT. I think the Canon's 'capture' has made a decent enough job of rendering what I saw at 7.15 AM on a semi-dreich August morning.

Of course, I could probably have replicated all this with proper real tootin' film, and I will attempt to do so at some point, but in the interests of the Sink (think Sink before you start having a go) 'unreal 1's and 0's' is how it is.

Now all I need to do is make them into physical prints (thanks Bruce in advance).

There was no footering around with this lot, all I did was switch everything off except the meter and focus confirmation.

EI is 200.

White Balance (goodness I can't believe I am writing that) is Auto.

The camera is fully manual including focus (because the camera doesn't believe me when I want to focus on something weird).

And that's it.

I am now going to try and do some more intensive 'work' with the EOS.

Yes all the menus and all that crap are very annoying, but at it's heart I actually think I now have a very decent modern-ish camera.

To be honest, I have no idea what I have been afraid of, apart from the constant nagging that what I have taken a photo of, doesn't actually exist in physical terms . .

That, I think at the end of the day, is the hardest step to accept.

TTFN and remember to oil your galoshes . . just remember the stuff goes on the outside though . . not the inside.

Sheephouse Sells Out

Look . . . I KNOW . . . OK? 

Can we call an end to this stupid attitude and let me just get on with writing this? 

Can we? Really? 

You've bugged the bahookie off me since it happened. 

I know. 

I lapsed. 

But things might work out all right. 

You never know - you just have to keep hoping and trying, and realise that we are now in line with 98% of the modern world. 

'Scuse me a minute. 

There's someone knocking. 

Hold on, be back in a tick . . .

Hello?

Hello??

Oh, it's you - come on in.

Here the reader is presented with two different scenarios.

Yer Sheephouse is standing, dishevelled, in his old GAP hoody, combats, felt slippers and a bemused look on his face wondering who the hell you are and why daylight has appeared.

Yer Sheephouse is standing, dishevelled, in his old GAP hoody, combats, felt slippers and a bemused look on his face holding a Digital Camera and muttering to himself.

Sadly folks, it's the latter. SHEEPY HAS GONE DIGITAL!

I know - you read the convo at the start of this and it is still continuing, because I realise I have bought into something which produces only prints and electronical images and that, to me, is anathema - what you 'capture' doesn't physically exist until it is printed (I know you can say the same about undeveloped film, but at least you have a coated piece of plastic sitting, waiting, laced with potential)

Yep, after all this time banging on about craft skills and permanence and quality, I go and slip and buy into prosumer land.

I sell out to 'The Man'!

Well, not quite - I still have 14 film cameras and a fridge full of film, so my intent is clear and film still rules for me . . but all the same - a 'sell-out' - Jeez, I couldn't have seen that one coming.

No one is more surprised than me, seriously.

I've actually given myself a bad time about this, because it is so uncharacteristic, but it was done for a reason (promise) - however all the same, I can't help feeling that the massed ghosts of photographers from times past that haunt Ye Olde Sheephouse Study have given me a mighty, ethereal "Hurumph!" and moved off quietly to haunt another passionate photographer.

It feels that bad.

***

Worry not though film fans - I'm sure normal service will be resumed as soon as possible, however in the meantime, want to talk about my new toy? Eh? Eh??

Well, you might be asking:
"Whatcha got Sheepy?

A BG 56778872, with a 12-947mm f1.2-f22 Mega-Zhhoooom?

A Super-Toast 960D Mk 15 with a Triple Mega Macro and 675 Million Effective Megapixels?

A Yamotomato FX-PK 2 Mk 1 with 1080p and a built-in tea trolley?

Ah no, don't tell me . . a Mull Pixel-Magic 2.1, with free Satellite Phone Capability?

Well, well?"

Er . . cough . . no.

It's a Canon EOS 50D with a 40mm EF f2.8 Prime.

And that's it.

It's a conservative choice, but that is just me, and I spent a vast amount of time looking into it, so, from my own experience I hereby set out my table and offer up to you:

HOW TO BUY A DIGITAL CAMERA - A 10 PART GUIDE FOR THE TERMINALLY SCARED/CONFUSED OLDE PHOTOGRAPHER.

1./ Don't Buy A New Camera Unless You Really Really Have To.

Why? well, the whole photographic world is in a state of flux. Gone are the days when you could proudly buy an M2 and expect it to be handed down to your children. These days, Digicams are marketed for bacteria, or so it seems, with enough model upgrades to render two years ago's marvel a total brick (in the eyes of the salesmen). And yet, as I found, new, isn't always necessarily better. There's a TON of nearly old models out there that will do the job quite nicely, and they don't have to enter the stratospheric price bracket either.

2./ Be Prepared To Compromise.

I wanted a full-frame, I really did, after all, all this fecking about with fecking focal length conversion factors is just so totally bloody stupid. However, I also realised that (coming from my film background whereby 40 year old Nikons and a 55 year old Leica are in regular use) for my purposes, effectively, ALL digital cameras are disposable. Therefore I went for the Canon's cropped sensor, because it was cheaper and newer than the EOS 1D's I was looking at.

If I find I like the process, maybe later on, I'll go full frame and take the lens with me . . watch this space.

3./  The Real Value Is In The Glass

Try and get a great deal on a great optic and if you can, spend at least as much or more than you would on the camera.
Sadly I didn't follow my own advice, however it was with reason - the Canon 40mm is a very good optic at a bargain price (£95 NEW with Canon Cashback . . you could buy nearly 2 pairs of Posh British-Made Boxer Shorts for that you know, or 30 pairs of Tesco's ones) - it will also cover full-frame if need be.
At the moment on the stupid cropped sensor it is equivalent to a 62mm, so a little on the long side, however I'll do an Ernst Haas - "Two steps back and look for the 'ah-ha!'"

4./  Zooooooom = Dooooooom!

As per film days - avoid zooms. Basically at the end of the day, no matter their perceived usefulness, every zoom I have ever used has been a huge and ugly nuisance, and roughly (I say roughly - there are some superb optics out there at a price) to a man and especially with 'kit' zooms, the quality of image made with them is a huge compromise. So do yourself a favour, as per film days, buy prime lenses. They're not cheap, but they'll hold their value better - from film days, the pre-Ai Nikkor 80-200mm zoom - actually an excellent lens, is worth exactly peanuts, whereas a 50mm 1.4 Nikkor keeps rising in value, because it is an uncompromised lens and provides incredible image quality.

So, primes it is - you know it makes sense.

5./  Know Your Onions.

How easy is it to research things these days? About as easy as stuffing that piece of toast into yer gob. As with anything, you have to do some homework - there is no shortage of information out there, so you should be able to narrow things down quite easily, with a bit of judiscious scroobling around.

6./ If You Can - Avoid Auctions.

Yes, I know, they are tempting and there's some seemingly good/great bargains out there, but unless you are very careful you could be being sold a pup.If you're buying new on t'Bay, there's a ton of Grey market products which aren't covered by UK Distributor warranties (though obviously there are scrupulous UK dealers on there, but they tend to price inline with normal pricing).

If you're buying secondhand, you only have the word of the vendor that the item is in good condition - can you afford the time, disappointment, postage and hassle of returning an item (assuming they are prepared to have it back)?

I've bought eBay items described as mint, and they weren't, not by a long shot. so, my choice would be to buy from a reputable dealer with a good grading system and a decent returns policy and guarantee (as per film days). You can even get a years guarantee from certain places on secondhand items, which is OUTSTANDING for a piece of disposable electronic equipment.

Why do I recommend specialised photographic dealers? Well, as I have found, most of them are quite willing to let you know how many actuations your shutter has had. [Gone are the days of a shutter lasting for huge amounts of time, oh no, these days shutter life-spans are measured in actuations and some of the 'bargains' out there are quite possibly on their last legs if you find out their life expectancy. My Canon is a mid-range 'prosumer' model and as such is rated for 100,000 actuations. Mine had around 5,000 - so not too bad in the scheme of things. Presumably the lack of longevity is down to the machinegun-like properties of spray and pray photography.]

Allied to this a dealers reputation rests on their customer service - happy customers are more likely to return - therefore it is important to provide sterling service. When I bought the EOS that is exactly what I received - a years' guarantee, a very conservative grading (it was virtually mint), fast shipping, and the piece of mind that comes from buying from somewhere reputable, so thank you WEX.

7./ If You Have Friends, Speak To Them.

You can't beat personal recommendation and possibly being able to get your hands on something equivalent. My friend Steve embraced digital photography years and years ago - he's bought about a billion tons of gear, so he knows his stuff. He recommended I should either go for the Canon EOS 50D or the Nikon D90. I missed out on a very low usage D90, so plumped for the EOS. His recommendation was that being a mid-range model, the build was considerably better than the 'Rebel' range (EOS 100D/1200D et al) - I trusted him and he was right.

The 50D is a very solid little camera indeed, and without a massive zoom pointing out the front [like an accident with your Y-Fronts] it is very neat and tidy.

8./ Simple Is Better.

You'll not achieve this.

Every single digicam out there has more options than you will ever need to take a simple photograph. It does my wig in. I don't know how these design departments work, but I guarantee I could design a better camera and I am not a designer!

In your research, try and find a camera where the things you need most are easily accessible from a simple button push/knob turn. When you have to start accessing menus and all that shite, time gets wasted.

Lets put it this way, my Leica involves exactly 5 things to use it:

Wind On The film.

Set Shutter Speed.

Set Aperture.

Focus.

Take Picture.

9./ You Don't Need A Machine Gun.

As far as I can tell - every camera seems to be marketed at frame-rats © - you know, the people that love the amount you can ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah at a subject. Like an Uzi-toting Arnie striding into a room and spraying bullets everywhere, so it seems you can't avoid the idea that being able to chop light into tiny, co-joined, increments in the hope of getting an image is the way to be a better photographer.

To this I will say one thing:

The Decisive Moment.

You're probably not a sports photographer, or a bird-specialist photographer, so don't waste your time going for a camera that can stuff those little digital pieces up the buffer pipe at a rate of knots.

As with film days:

Quality, Not Quantity.

10./ But It's Only 15 Megapixels.

This is a thorny one as 'technology' is improving all the time, however, the general concensus seems to be that around 12 Megapixels is pretty much all you need. More MPs means larger file sizes, means greater storage, means better processing power from your PC and Camera, and at the end of the day, you're probably only going to be taking your memory card to a local print house (or doing it yourself) to an average size of (sic.) 8x10". You don't need a huge file to get pleasing results. A lot of fine images were made with the old Canon EOS 1Ds and that only had 11 MPs . .

If you're like me, you won't be printing posters, so don't sweat the thoughts of lack of MPs - it matters less than you think.

Your biggest robbers of image quality will be noise-reduction, high ISO speeds and sharpening.

Oh and shite images.

11./ Read The Manual.

Ok - I know I said 10 parts, but really, as with anything in life - READ THE MANUAL! It's confusing as feck, but has to be done, because when you are done, you can cheerfully forget all the useless bits of tossy software and menus you won't be using anyway, and use it to light that campfire and have a nice brew.

***

So there - that's fairly friendly isn't it. If it doesn't meet any of your criteria or I have left anything hanging, it's only because this is my own thinking about things. I know it's not as in-depth or as 'user-friendly' as the likes of Thom Hogan and Ken Rockwell and all those other guys doing sterling work posting every single feature, but then as far as I am concerned there's a VAST amount of superflous fluff involved with digicams - stuff that makes you go "Oooh, it's gotta have a 26K frame rate on a 15 minute charge battery, and be able to print to A0 and beyond, and a built-in triple-sensor brain improver and eye-co-ordinator". Basically stuff that just gets in the way.

Honestly, I could go on, but I won't - there's bound to be loads of shite my addled brain has missed in this that might become important on a longer term basis, but at the end of the day:

What you want with a camera is a light tight (sic) box, with a good lens and intuitive controls that let YOU take control of the picture-making process and not the other way round. Simplicity is the order of the day. 
YOU control the camera, the camera does not control you.

***

So that's it for now folks. The ambulance is coming 'round soon and I hear they have a rather nice long-sleeved jacket for me and some yummy tablets.
Maybe when I get let out again, my memory cards will have arrived and I'll be able to show you some of the fruits of my colour labours.
Oh yes Technicolor Sheephouse is on the move . . . now where did I put those fruit Spangles?